Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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