i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
