i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The Olympian is in my bed
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
