I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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