I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
