I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
