sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
