I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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