I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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