I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
