i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Randomize
