Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
