____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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