Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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