I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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