boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
