Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
