She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
