in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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