So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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