That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
