Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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