walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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