my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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