oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
