I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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