Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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