cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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