dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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