Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
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