I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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