My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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