Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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