You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
