PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize