I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
When did angry sex become our thing?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
