I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't deserve a penis
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
