matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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