I could make wine with my vomit
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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