Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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