i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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