I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
