i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
