Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
