you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
