I didn't shave. On purpose
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
