I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
