What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
