I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
