There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
