drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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