Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(805): View more from California

i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?

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(208): View more from Idaho

this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed

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(303): View more from Colorado

Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going

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(703): View more from Virginia

It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...

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(618): View more from Illinois

Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"

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(406): View more from Montana

I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love

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