No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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