guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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