I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
