Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
