My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
