i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
