how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
